PURRLINGTON6:04 A.M.
AREA CAT FOUND GUILTY OF CRIMES SHE COMMITTED IN FULL VIEW OF EVERYONE
Jury of one household deliberated for zero seconds; defendant maintains she was 'nowhere near the counter.'
The Local Cats Desk
Local Cats
Neighborhood felonies, box occupations, and disappearances that end eighteen inches from where the search began.
SCRATCHMONT11:52 A.M.
CAT REJECTS $60 ORTHOPEDIC BED, CLAIMS THE CARDBOARD BOX IT ARRIVED IN
Defendant declared the empty box 'sovereign territory' within ninety seconds of delivery, sources say.
WHISKER FALLS7:41 P.M.
LOCAL CAT DECLARES FORMAL WAR ON CUCUMBER LEFT ON KITCHEN FLOOR
Vertical launch reached an estimated four feet; cucumber offered no response and had, at no point, moved.
TABBYVILLE2:17 P.M.
CAT VANISHES FOR SIX HOURS, FOUND INSIDE THE COUCH THE ENTIRE TIME
Search party of two combed the neighborhood; suspect was located eighteen inches from where the search began.
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