RAVENSWHISK3:02 A.M.
RACCOON EXECUTES FLAWLESS OVERNIGHT PORCH HEIST, LEAVES ONLY MUDDY HANDPRINTS AND QUESTIONS
A sealed bin, a latched lid, and a bungee cord were all defeated by a suspect with, investigators stress, no thumbs.
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Every dispatch on file — counter crimes, backyard heists, and standoffs with unplugged appliances.
PURRLINGTON6:04 A.M.
AREA CAT FOUND GUILTY OF CRIMES SHE COMMITTED IN FULL VIEW OF EVERYONE
Jury of one household deliberated for zero seconds; defendant maintains she was 'nowhere near the counter.'
SNOUTWOOD1:26 P.M.
BEAGLE ENGAGES UNPLUGGED VACUUM IN MULTI-HOUR STANDOFF, NEITHER SIDE BLINKS
The vacuum, which was off, switched off, and had been off for two days, was described by the dog as 'still a threat.'
QUACKENBUSH7:58 A.M.
SUBURBAN GOOSE ANNEXES ENTIRE PARKING LOT, ISSUES NO DEMANDS
Commuters report the goose 'has not asked for anything' and yet somehow controls all four rows of spaces.
SCRATCHMONT11:52 A.M.
CAT REJECTS $60 ORTHOPEDIC BED, CLAIMS THE CARDBOARD BOX IT ARRIVED IN
Defendant declared the empty box 'sovereign territory' within ninety seconds of delivery, sources say.
HOUNDSTOOTH5:33 P.M.
LABRADOR NAMED PRIME SUSPECT IN DISAPPEARANCE OF ENTIRE ROTISSERIE CHICKEN
Only evidence recovered at the scene was a single grease spot and an expression of profound innocence.
GERBILTON6:40 A.M.
GERBIL 'KNEW EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS DOING,' SAY WITNESSES TO OVERNIGHT CAGE ESCAPE
Suspect returned to the cage voluntarily by morning, offering no explanation and, officials say, 'looking pleased.'
FETCHBURG3:48 P.M.
DOG BURIES SINGLE BISCUIT IN SOFA CUSHIONS, FORGETS LOCATION IMMEDIATELY
Elaborate concealment operation completed in full view of the household; suspect began searching for the biscuit four minutes later.
WHISKER FALLS7:41 P.M.
LOCAL CAT DECLARES FORMAL WAR ON CUCUMBER LEFT ON KITCHEN FLOOR
Vertical launch reached an estimated four feet; cucumber offered no response and had, at no point, moved.
MEADOWMOLT9:15 A.M.
BACKYARD SQUIRREL DEFEATS 'SQUIRREL-PROOF' FEEDER, INVESTIGATORS CALL IT 'AN INSIDE JOB'
Manufacturer's guarantee lasted an estimated forty minutes; the squirrel has since filed no comment and eaten everything.
TABBYVILLE2:17 P.M.
CAT VANISHES FOR SIX HOURS, FOUND INSIDE THE COUCH THE ENTIRE TIME
Search party of two combed the neighborhood; suspect was located eighteen inches from where the search began.
BARKERSFIELD8:09 A.M.
NATION'S GOLDEN RETRIEVER STILL DOES NOT UNDERSTAND STAIRS, EXPERTS BAFFLED
Subject has used the same staircase daily for four years and continues to approach it like a new and hostile invention.
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